Monday, May 20, 2013

That dirty "D" word

It is time to talk about that ugly word that no one seems to want to hear about...


It is time to come clean with my blog audience.  I am a fairly new blog... no real "structure"... just an all-around good time full of recipes and reviews and rants.

Which is all fine and good, but I haven't been writing much lately.

You see those commercials with the people who are sad and lonely, but then they take a miracle drug and ALL IS BETTER?!  I seriously wish it were like that.

For those of us with chronic and severe cases of depression and anxiety, there is no insta-wonder drug.  There is a mix (or cocktail, if you please) that we have to find that keep us in check and on a seemingly level playing field. Combine that with therapy, and you can lead a pretty normal, albeit semi-complicated life.

Many people don't even believe that depression is a disease or even a long-term problem.  These are the ones who tell you to "lighten up" or "snap out of it" or "grow up, and get over it!" know what I mean.
For a lot of us who suffer from major depressive episodes, there is no magic light switch we can flick that will instantly erase our racing thoughts and make us joyful again. The smallest thing happens, and we sit there with that dirty little thought... and stew... and stew... and it turns over and turns over and gets coated with worry and frustration and sadness and it becomes this crazy pearl of an issue, so much bigger to us than it would be to a normal person.  You can see this in retrospect, but when it is happening, you can't think logically... you just know that something is gonna go wrong or IS wrong.  You feel helpless, sad... alone.

Because I moved to a new state recently, I have had to switch insurances, switch doctors, and start all over.  Back to square one.  I hate talking to new doctors... it literally scares the crap out of me. I have lost that familiarity and comfort I had with my old therapist and psychiatrist, and I have to muscle up and try to put my faith and trust into someone else... something that I find extremely difficult to do. I am scared facing people in general.  If I could, I would live in a hole, cut off from all communication except my computer, and hide forever.

But that isn't healthy.  Everyone knows this.

This move also means a break in my medication. It means NEW medications... new scenarios, new mixtures and doses.  New headaches and side effects... and my family is going to unfortunately going to feel the brunt of this mess.  It really isn't fair, I wish I could change it, but I am so lucky to have that support.

So, here goes! I hope you understand what is going on a little bit better, and will wait for me to get back on track.  This was not an easy entry for me-- I know how stigmatized depression and anxiety can be, but I wanted to be honest. I am trying.  I will come back soon. I can do this. Wish me luck.